noicemagazine | (no subject)

(no subject)

It's been a month or so since Lars started to practice performance dancing. For the month previous, he'd been building up a routine of fire breathing and fire eating—as well as some contortionism, with mixed results (and injuries) in private. And that's been fun, but through various shenanigans, Lars has been drawn out of solo performances.

He has rhythm, but lacks coordination with his long, young and clumsy limbs. He's been steadily improving, though, actually working surprisingly hard at it. Lars has long been the type of person who sees himself as someone unskilled, and without talent—but it's more that he's been too afraid of exploring his own potential, out of fear of failure. But he's had some pretty (honestly annoyingly) supportive friends to coax him into something positive, and he's actually been blossoming under that influence. Albeit as discreetly as he can manage. The encouragement has rewarded Lars with surprising endurance and forward momentum. Plus, the exercise is really good at blowing off his endless well of stress, as well as some other stuff. Lately, suffeciently worn out by the end of the day, Lars has even been sleeping on a sort of regular schedule, for long, restful hours.

Of course, that might have something to do with some of that actual emotional fulfillment he's getting, but whatever. It's not like even as well as he's been doing that he's even let Steven or Lapis get incredibly close to him, emotionally speaking. Not yet. It's difficult for Lars to open up, but he's been getting there; his smiles and laughter are pretty genuine when they're all doing their routines, whether it be warm up or rehearsal. And he's been impish and annoying, which is another good sign.

And today, he's been practicing with Lapis. They aren't actually doing any particular routine, though—sometimes, they kind of just do whatever. Lapis used to lead Lars a lot more, but he's been a lot better lately with creating a narrative path in their foot falls. She's slender, like him, and easy to meld and catch. She's fluid as she twirls in his palms, unnaturally smooth and poreless, with no temperature to be read by his flesh. Normally, she's cool to the touch, but he's handled her enough to get her a little warmer. Her eyes are always dark and moody, and Lars finds himself often captivated by them as he searches for leads in her face; there's a story there that he doesn't understand, but it guides him by his curiosity. It's a darkness that draws him in.

This sort of dancing is honestly what's taught Lars the most natural rhythm, and most importantly, chemistry. Not even necessarily of the sexual variety, though that tension is certainly there, for Lars—he can't help it, being a teenaged boy, dancing in intimate proximity with a beautiful, ethereal woman. It was strange, because he hadn't been attracted to her before, even if he felt like she fell well into the type of beautiful he was always told to fall in love with—but he supposes if you get to know anyone well enough, especially in dance, it can happen. But similarly, as a teenager, Lars is used to suppressing those feelings because they're fucking always there.

He pulls her in by twirling her as they dance, musicless, on the dusty, dark stage of the big top. There's some light from some torches nearby that Lars had lit much earlier near the edge of the stage, but that's about it. He feels her back into him weightlessly, and his other hand is resting on her waist before he spins her back out, trying to flare out the layered, thin chifon plates of her skirt dramatically as he holds onto her paw-like hand.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

He's certainly gotten better, Lapis can admit that much as they move on the stage, dancing to music that isn't there for anyone but them. Or maybe it's just her? It's hard to tell as she slides out of his grip, hanging on by a single paw.

Where she used to lead, uncomfortably, he's finally taken the initiative. It's always been more comfortable for her in the supporting role, and dance, something so intimate for Gems as a species, is really no different.

It also brings back memories, though. Of being twirled almost like this, only the hands are bigger, sturdier. Orange.

Lars is only a little taller than her, but it doesn't matter, because when the dance is coming to a close, another twirl, a lift of her leg and then a dip, she can feel it. A familiar pull, tugging her towards her partner and she wants it bad. Wants the power that comes from fusion, the closeness.

A soft blue light emanates from between her shoulders without her even really thinking about it. Her mind is too busy racing because of other things.

Lars doesn't think a lot of it—he's pretty sure he's seen Steven's gem glow a couple of times, though only once on the stage. But it of course gets his attention, such that he's a little distracted. Because, of course, it's beautiful, and so is the dramatic-but-delicate way she's dipped back like that.

A little too sucked into her performance to actually notice that was her concluding the dance, he tries to pull her up for another step set, but finds she's actually kind of—strangely rooted, despite the soft, elegant drape of a pose. Such that it makes Lars stumble, his footing unbalanced, and he—

falls right on top of Lapis with his full weight, with a clumsy yell.

It's absolutely not the reaction that Lapis was expecting? She was expecting fusion, power, a new form. Instead she gets Lars on top of her, which jolts her back to reality, and she hits the ground hard with a noise of surprise.

Guilt floods into her system once she realizes what happened, and she's quick to shove Lars off, hard, because she's all reaction at the moment. Lapis is, understandably horrified. She looks it took, in the way she's looking at Lars like she wants to bolt, because that would be the easiest way to solve all of this.

Lars stumbles a second time in surprise, letting out another graceless, weird sound in response. Lars pushes himself up, blinking with wide, confused eyes at Lapis. Of course, he's also feeling bad—he puts a very simple, Earthly human spin on the situation, which makes him the guilty party.

"Crap, Lapis, are you okay?!" Lars gets on his knees, holding up his palms cautiously as his brows slant back, his voice kinda frantc. "I-I didn't mean to fall on you! I swear, I just misread, I promise I'm not like—b-bein' a creep or somethin'."

Edited 2017-01-17 03:35 (UTC)

I should be asking you that question, is a thought she has, but it doesn't make it to her mouth. She's silent for a few more seconds before she scrambles to her feet, wings formed and out.

She only gets out a quick: "I gotta go-" before she's in the air and zooming away. Because it's always significantly easier to run from your problems then talk them out like a well adjusted individual.

Lars stares after her, bewildered. He uncertainly folds his hands near his collarbone, his heart and stomach sinking.

Lapis started doging practice pretty soon after that, which had a handful of people, including himself, in a little bit of an anxious tizzy. For them, it was because performance week was only four days away, and Lapis hadn't shown her face for about two.

Feeling guilty, overwhelmed and frustrated, overhearing some conversation about Lapis's irresponsible behavior, ditching on her crew like that, Lars has to get out of the tent as he feels his throat close and his chest tighten. He exits out the back of one of the smaller tops they're doing practice in, and plops down roughly on a bench, thereafter heavily cradling his head. He takes a deep, staggering breath, feeling like it's his fault.

And, of course, this is the perfect opportunity for Steven to scare him shitless—which he does, with a little touch of his paw on Lars's shoulder. Lars hollers, his tail almost slapping Steven across the face.

"Steven, what the heck, man?!"

"Lars, are you alright?"

Lars's angry disposition immediately vanishes, replaced with a sort of wounded, lost expression—followed then by an uncomfortable scowl. He folds his arms, looking away, fingers gently caressing his own upper arms for comfort as his knees come together.

"Did...something happen?" Steven ventures carefully, and Lars tenses. He doesn't respond. "With Lapis," Steven clarifies, and Lars makes an exasperated groan, ruffling his hair in frustration.

"Dagh, I don't know!!"

Steven recoils, then blinks his wide eyes at Lars. He pauses, and carefully sits beside Lars. Lars allows it; he and Steven have gotten closer. Five months ago or so, Lars would have stormed off.

"We—we were practicin', right, like... just she and I..."

Steven nods, placing his paws on his own knees, listening politely. He knew that Lapis and Lars did their own thing, sometimes.

"And... I dunno what happened, I just—" Looking desperate and confused, Lars splays his palms outwards helplessly. "—I misstepped, because she got kinda—stuck, in this dip, and I fell on top of her. She looked... really freaked out," Lars went on, holding his arms again as he narrowed his eyes in embarrassment and shame. "I told her it was an accident, but I'm worried she thinks I was tryin' t'like—attack her..."

Lars doesn't want to specify how to Steven, and sinks his head completely, trying to hide. He's too upset and ashamed to even feel embarrassed about the state he's in, in front of Steven, of all people. Which is saying something.

"Oh," Steven says, touching a paw to his chin. His other paw extends, touching Lars on the arm, Steven's eyes large and watery. "Oh no, Lars! Lars, that wasn't cuz of you," he reassures him.

Lars sniffles, lifting his head as he glances at Steven with hesitation. "Huh?"

Steven sighs. "I...I feel bad telling you this," he says uncertainly, sort of fussing his paws nervously. "But I also feel bad seeing you guys like this. It's a misunderstanding. I should talk to her."

"No," Lars pipes up, lifting his head with wide eyes. "Lemme talk to her. Tell me."

Steven makes an uncertain face, and Lars twists over him, clutching his shoulders.

"Steven, c'mon, man!"

"Okay, okay! Alright," Steven relents, more than half having wanted to explain anyway.

And so...well, he does.

Having gotten some perspective after Steven's longwinded explanation, which also went into some little digressions like explaining more about fusion and explaining what it wasn't ("So, what, she wants to hook up? Cuz I dunno if I—" "Lars, no!! No, it's not—"), but Lars thinks he has a clearer picture now.

Obviously, it's something he doesn't know a lot about. Lapis has told him a lot about gem culture and stuff, but not really much about fusion.

The trouble is, he can't fucking find her anywhere. He's been wandering around the grounds for a while, and he's starting to feel stupid. Frustrated, he grits his needley teeth, growling a little as he tries to figure this out.

—Then he catches her on the ferris wheel. On the very top of it, and he can't make her out very well against the dusky sky. Glad that his skin is dry at the moment, Lars endeavors to....fucking climb the wheel, he supposes. He opens the door to the gate, carefully and quietly, hoping she's too distracted—and then proceeds to actually legitimately god damn climb up the wheel.

Which is eventually very strenuous, but Lars is in way better shape then he used to be. It's not long before he's near the top. He knows she's probably? noticed him by now, but—

Lapis has been very keen on giving herself any sort of contact. It's a lot easier to avoid people when you can fly, and Lapis is more than capable. It's an old habit, going as far up as she can, finding the highest point she can get to without full on entering space.

The Ferris wheel is about the highest, flattest surface she can make it to, and by the time Lars as reaches her, her ears are pinned back and her fins are raised in agitation, in fright. The only reason she doesn't take off is because she's... not actually too sure Lars can get down without help.

She watches him silently, unsure if she should say anything or just let him climb the rest of the way up.

Shitty though it is, Lapis's reasoning is something that Lars was gambling on. Lars wasn't beyond being manipulative, after all, but in this case, in his opinion, it's for the better.

Lars glances away awkwardly when she watches him, sometimes finding her gratuitous eye contact uncomfortable (definitely a gem thing, he's come to realize), and manages to scale the rest of the way up. His skin is a little...glistening when he gets up there, and not in a hot way, since, you know, he's a fucking eft.

When he sits beside her, he's careful to keep his long limbs out of her space, leaning kind of to the side opposite to her.

Normally, Lars would blow up at someone over this stuff, especially after scaling an entire fucking ferris wheel, but he's trying to be tactful; Lapis is delicate in a way different from Sadie or any one else he's been confrontational with while also being friends. Sadie explodes back, even puts him in his place—Lapis flees. He glances at her, then away, and settles to loop his bony arms around his legs. His tail curls over his feet.

"So... uh, I—talked a little bit, t'Steven. And..." He pauses briefly, his eyes finding Lapis again. "...I didn't know it was hard for you."

Lars seems to realize something, and his posture stiffens defensively. "I mean—if you want your space, I get it!! You can like—take me down, and I'll fuck off. I just—thought that—I dunno, we should—talk, or something. I didn't..."

Lars worries his lower lip, sucking it in as his eyes fall.

"I...you know. I didn't mean to hurt you."

God damn, if he had the ability to say phrases like that like, half a year ago.

Lapis has had her wings out for awhile now, but it's more as a 'Just In Case' for Lars if he somehow took a wrong and fell than to outright flee. Still, they don't go away either, even once he's on top of the carriage.

She looks surprised at his apology though, because, well, honestly she hadn't expected an apology of all things. It's not like she deserves one? She's the one who was in the wrong here, not him.

"It's not you. You shouldn't be apologizing to me. I'm the one who was wrong." Her voice is cold, and she curls in on herself more, tail wrapping around her feet as she ducks her head into her arms.

"You didn't do anything wrong."

Well, it wasn't a direct apology, but Lars does appreciate it when people do interpret him correctly.

He leans up, his eyes wide. "No, no!" His tail unfurls a little, and he lifts his palms in gentle urgency. "Neither did you! I mean—y'know, neither of us did! We're like, we're two different...fuggin' lifeforms, man."

Wow, Lars, that's not super articulate. Because it's super not his strong suit. He pinches the bridge of his nose, then tries again.

"What you didn't wasn't wrong at all, you were just...reacting. It's like, totally natural for you guys, isn't it?"

"No, it's not." Or, it is? "Not like that. What I was trying to do- It wasn't... It wasn't nice." The tip of her tail flicks in agitation, and she looks away from him entirely, down at the lights of the carnival. "You were just... dancing. You weren't trying to get anything out of it. Not like me. You're lucky."

"Uh... I dunno, who says I wasn't gettin' anything out of it?" Lars asks with an embarrassed shrug, his face pinkening. He didn't... get off on it, exactly, but it was a little exciting in a way that wasn't always appropriate, sometimes, as much as Lars tried to ignore it. But he isn't going to get into specifics; he'd instead just leave that up as a food for thought kind of thing, for now.

"I mean, what's so bad about what you were tryna get outta it or whatever?"

Edited 2017-01-17 05:42 (UTC)

"Because I was going to use you!" To get a fix, to get the sensation that comes from fusion. To have the power over someone. She wasn't going to do that last part, or she likes to think she wouldn't, not again, but... There's always going to be that fear associated with that. The guilt of what she did to Jasper, how she'd enjoyed tormenting the other Gem.

"You- You're lucky you're human and I can't do that to you!" Or what passes as human, because she's certain that she can only fuse with other Gems still. That is what would make the most sense.

"I'm terrible! The fact that I even tried is just-!" Lapis gives an aggravated sound, digging her fingers into her hair.

"Whoa!" Lars is a little too nervous to touch her, but his hand hovers close; he doesn't want to set her off even more, but he also wants to comfort her. Physical touch is, uh, some of the only way Lars knows how to do that. But.

"Look, uh." He glances away awkwardly, not feeling good about what he's about to say. "I've... I've used people. For a long time, with someone I really cared about—I mean, I know it's not the same." He manages to look back at Lapis, trying to keep his gaze from being so fidgety. "But...I know what I did was really bad. But sometimes it's...natural to slip up, or to feel lonely, or whatever."

Almost none of that is Lars's own wisdom; he's talked to a couple people kind of indirectly about his shit back home, especially the more he's been missing Sadie. And regretting things.

"...No one's perfect, and I'm kind of a huge dickhead. I'm not gonna judge you for somethin' like that."

"You don't understand. It's..." She makes a weaker noise, tightening her body in against herself. Maybe if she tried hard enough, she could poof herself and spend some time not having to deal with everything.

"I would have hurt you, and I probably would have liked it. I probably wouldn't have wanted to stop, I would have kept you bound to me until someone tore us apart. I'm a monster." It's all speculation, the worst of her fears coming bubbling to the surface. "I don't want to hurt you." He's her friend, as strange as it is to consider even having a human friend, but he's somehow managed that.

"..."

Lars looks away, rubbing the back of his neck. It's not that he doubts her, exactly—but he knows he doesn't fully comprehend what she's saying. From the perspective of a different creature, from a different planet, who lived for thousands of years, how could he really understand? Any analogies that he's experienced are all terribly weak analogues, being a simple creature, only alive for a mere 18 years.

But that doesn't mean that he can't relate at all—they're both social, intelligent life forms. They can communicate, if they try. Lars has just never been great about it, but... Lars is tired of losing friends. And Lapis is someone who, despite being from another planet, is someone he kind of relates to in the sense that there is something vile inside of them both. But lately, thanks to Steven—and Lapis, and reflection about his relationship with Sadie, Lars is starting to understand that even if that's present inside a person, that's not all there is.

"Look, I dunno..." he starts, resting his cheek on his knee as he stares over at Lapis, his posture sagging and sad. "Maybe I don't understand, but like—it sounds like she just brought out the worst in you. Everyone's got that stuff inside'a them, I think. But that stuff doesn't like...define you, know what I mean? You aren't a monster. That was just a really messed up relationship. It's not like you can even fuse with me—but in whatever way, if you hurt me, I'd get over it. I hurt people all the time; I almost never mean to. I get it."

Lars keeps his hand low, but extends his arm out, brushing the side of his hand along her arm. He strokes her wrist with his pinky and ring finger.

"I—" Articulating his feelings, especially positive ones, has always been so hard. Lars hopes that gems aren't juvenile enough to misunderstand his sentiment as he continues his train of thought. "—I like you, you know? So, it's okay. Go easy."

"No, she didn't bring out the worst in me. I... I wanted to hurt her. To trap her the same way I'd been trapped." Lapis herself sags despite the touch, even despite it being a little reassuring. "She came back to me after we split, you know. She asked me to fuse again." Her voice is muffled by her knees now, quiet. "If Steven hadn't been there... I would have said yes. I know I would have."

It's not Jasper who was the bad one of their... relationship. It was her. And yet, for some unknown reason, Steven had defended her, and now Lars was too. She doesn't understand it.

"I- I wanted to fuse with you too. That's what makes it even worse. I wanted to feel what it would be like."

Lars considers Lapis's explanation. For some reason, it makes him think about how Ronaldo tried to kill him, and if he had hair follicles on his body anymore, his hair would be standing on end. Lars lashes out and can be kind of abusive, he knows—manipulative for the worst, really nasty to people verbally for no real reason... But the stuff with malachite was obviously a more intense form of all of that.

"Jasper was someone you could unleash all that like—shitty energy on, though. She was an enemy, and you had all this pain and anger. I ain't sayin' that it's alright," he disclaims. Lars feels a little self conscious, because even though he is legitimately talking about Lapis, he's also projecting. "...I lash out a lot. I'm mean to people who don't deserve it, like—all the time. It's on purpose a lot of the time, too."

He pauses, and bites his lip, going from self conscious to embarrassed. He opts to rest his hand on Lapis's, idly caressing the metacarpal of her thumb with the pad of his own. "...I mean, you don't got a lot of experience with fusion, right? You'n me aren't enemies. You'd probably get somethin' else outta it. It'd prolly bring somethin' else outta you."

"If it had just been me or Jasper fighting it might have been one thing. But... Malachite shouldn't have had to deal with any of that. She didn't deserve what we did to her, she deserved better than that." Better than the pain and anger they inflicted, better than the desperate vies for control of the fusion that Jasper and Lapis had done.

"I don't, but I still know it shouldn't be like that. Nothing should feel like that." She's quiet after that, but only for a moment before she lifts her head to look at Lars. "Maybe it would be different with someone else. But it doesn't feel like it should be."

Lars is a little thrown, confused when a third party is thrown into it—but comes to a loose understanding. Steven had mentioned Malachite, as the sum of the two people they were. Also Stevonnie, which was—well, it's good Lars didn't know what they looked like. But anyway. He gets the idea it's a little more complicated than he thought he understood. He manages to get back on track with what Lapis is explaining, though.

He scoots a little closer to her, and he puts his arm around both of her shoulders. His other arm settles back over his knees again, and his tail brushes along his ankles, the end of it curling around Lapis's as well, the spade resting between her feet. Touching her doesn't feel—so tremendously awkward, since they spend a ton of time doing light contact like this at work.

"It'll prolly feel that way for a while, and that's alright. Doesn't mean it's necessarily true, though." He rubs her upper bicep a little, the one furthest from him as they sit side by side. "...I know it's hard. Feeling like you're all fuckin' rotten."

Edited 2017-01-17 18:44 (UTC)

Lapis doesn't have any refute to that, so instead she's just silent, letting him comfort her. Her wings disappear, the final confirmation that she's not just going to up and fly off. She wants to, but she wont. She can't just leave Lars up on top of the ferris wheel, after all.

It's a good few moments of silence before she's ready to say anything, mulling his words over in her head until she finally does say something. "Thanks." It's not much, but it's a start.

Just as planned. Sorry, Lapis.

He continues to kind of hold her in this sideways hug, and shrugs. "No problem." He doesn't feel confident it made Lapis feel any better, necessarily, but he at least hopes she understands that he doesn't hold it against her. And, that, you know, that he acknowledges her faults, but that he's not the greatest person, either.

He rolls his eyes innocently, tilting his head sideways so that he rests partially against her shoulder.

"Sooo, I get it if you still need space from like, dancin', but you comin' back to practice? Steven misses you."

...And so did Lars, of course, but he'd already purged enough icky emotional garbage. He was done revealing things.

Oh. Looks like that's another thing that she's messed up. Go figure.

"I'll come back. I shouldn't have avoided it in the first place. It wasn't fair to any of you, and I especially shouldn't have made Steven worry." She lets out a sigh of air, a habit that she's picked up from all of the people here who actually need oxygen to live.

"I'm sorry. I'll be fine. We can keep dancing." The show must go on, or something like that, right?

Lars shrugs, finally letting go of Lapis, giving her a relaxed kind of smile. His tail is still around her ankles, but he doesn't really think much of it.

"Eh, don't push yourself or anything. If nothin' else, you can just hang out; I think it'd be okay if you took a lil break."

"It's not like I can take a day off. Besides, I've already taken two, and if we don't practice something could go wrong during the performance." And the RM would probably not like that, and Lapis wouldn't want Lars to get in trouble for mucking up a performance if it was her fault.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

(no subject)

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

1/2

2/2

no subject

1/2 IM ADDICTED TO SPLIT POSTS BC OF BEING SEQUENTIAL ARTIST LEAVE ME ALONE

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject