Lars (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
mossbuds) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
noicemagazine2017-01-16 08:22 pm
mossbuds) wrote in noicemagazine2017-01-16 08:22 pm
(no subject)
It's been a month or so since Lars started to practice performance dancing. For the month previous, he'd been building up a routine of fire breathing and fire eating—as well as some contortionism, with mixed results (and injuries) in private. And that's been fun, but through various shenanigans, Lars has been drawn out of solo performances.
He has rhythm, but lacks coordination with his long, young and clumsy limbs. He's been steadily improving, though, actually working surprisingly hard at it. Lars has long been the type of person who sees himself as someone unskilled, and without talent—but it's more that he's been too afraid of exploring his own potential, out of fear of failure. But he's had some pretty (honestly annoyingly) supportive friends to coax him into something positive, and he's actually been blossoming under that influence. Albeit as discreetly as he can manage. The encouragement has rewarded Lars with surprising endurance and forward momentum. Plus, the exercise is really good at blowing off his endless well of stress, as well as some other stuff. Lately, suffeciently worn out by the end of the day, Lars has even been sleeping on a sort of regular schedule, for long, restful hours.
Of course, that might have something to do with some of that actual emotional fulfillment he's getting, but whatever. It's not like even as well as he's been doing that he's even let Steven or Lapis get incredibly close to him, emotionally speaking. Not yet. It's difficult for Lars to open up, but he's been getting there; his smiles and laughter are pretty genuine when they're all doing their routines, whether it be warm up or rehearsal. And he's been impish and annoying, which is another good sign.
And today, he's been practicing with Lapis. They aren't actually doing any particular routine, though—sometimes, they kind of just do whatever. Lapis used to lead Lars a lot more, but he's been a lot better lately with creating a narrative path in their foot falls. She's slender, like him, and easy to meld and catch. She's fluid as she twirls in his palms, unnaturally smooth and poreless, with no temperature to be read by his flesh. Normally, she's cool to the touch, but he's handled her enough to get her a little warmer. Her eyes are always dark and moody, and Lars finds himself often captivated by them as he searches for leads in her face; there's a story there that he doesn't understand, but it guides him by his curiosity. It's a darkness that draws him in.
This sort of dancing is honestly what's taught Lars the most natural rhythm, and most importantly, chemistry. Not even necessarily of the sexual variety, though that tension is certainly there, for Lars—he can't help it, being a teenaged boy, dancing in intimate proximity with a beautiful, ethereal woman. It was strange, because he hadn't been attracted to her before, even if he felt like she fell well into the type of beautiful he was always told to fall in love with—but he supposes if you get to know anyone well enough, especially in dance, it can happen. But similarly, as a teenager, Lars is used to suppressing those feelings because they're fucking always there.
He pulls her in by twirling her as they dance, musicless, on the dusty, dark stage of the big top. There's some light from some torches nearby that Lars had lit much earlier near the edge of the stage, but that's about it. He feels her back into him weightlessly, and his other hand is resting on her waist before he spins her back out, trying to flare out the layered, thin chifon plates of her skirt dramatically as he holds onto her paw-like hand.
He has rhythm, but lacks coordination with his long, young and clumsy limbs. He's been steadily improving, though, actually working surprisingly hard at it. Lars has long been the type of person who sees himself as someone unskilled, and without talent—but it's more that he's been too afraid of exploring his own potential, out of fear of failure. But he's had some pretty (honestly annoyingly) supportive friends to coax him into something positive, and he's actually been blossoming under that influence. Albeit as discreetly as he can manage. The encouragement has rewarded Lars with surprising endurance and forward momentum. Plus, the exercise is really good at blowing off his endless well of stress, as well as some other stuff. Lately, suffeciently worn out by the end of the day, Lars has even been sleeping on a sort of regular schedule, for long, restful hours.
Of course, that might have something to do with some of that actual emotional fulfillment he's getting, but whatever. It's not like even as well as he's been doing that he's even let Steven or Lapis get incredibly close to him, emotionally speaking. Not yet. It's difficult for Lars to open up, but he's been getting there; his smiles and laughter are pretty genuine when they're all doing their routines, whether it be warm up or rehearsal. And he's been impish and annoying, which is another good sign.
And today, he's been practicing with Lapis. They aren't actually doing any particular routine, though—sometimes, they kind of just do whatever. Lapis used to lead Lars a lot more, but he's been a lot better lately with creating a narrative path in their foot falls. She's slender, like him, and easy to meld and catch. She's fluid as she twirls in his palms, unnaturally smooth and poreless, with no temperature to be read by his flesh. Normally, she's cool to the touch, but he's handled her enough to get her a little warmer. Her eyes are always dark and moody, and Lars finds himself often captivated by them as he searches for leads in her face; there's a story there that he doesn't understand, but it guides him by his curiosity. It's a darkness that draws him in.
This sort of dancing is honestly what's taught Lars the most natural rhythm, and most importantly, chemistry. Not even necessarily of the sexual variety, though that tension is certainly there, for Lars—he can't help it, being a teenaged boy, dancing in intimate proximity with a beautiful, ethereal woman. It was strange, because he hadn't been attracted to her before, even if he felt like she fell well into the type of beautiful he was always told to fall in love with—but he supposes if you get to know anyone well enough, especially in dance, it can happen. But similarly, as a teenager, Lars is used to suppressing those feelings because they're fucking always there.
He pulls her in by twirling her as they dance, musicless, on the dusty, dark stage of the big top. There's some light from some torches nearby that Lars had lit much earlier near the edge of the stage, but that's about it. He feels her back into him weightlessly, and his other hand is resting on her waist before he spins her back out, trying to flare out the layered, thin chifon plates of her skirt dramatically as he holds onto her paw-like hand.
no subject
"Look, uh." He glances away awkwardly, not feeling good about what he's about to say. "I've... I've used people. For a long time, with someone I really cared about—I mean, I know it's not the same." He manages to look back at Lapis, trying to keep his gaze from being so fidgety. "But...I know what I did was really bad. But sometimes it's...natural to slip up, or to feel lonely, or whatever."
Almost none of that is Lars's own wisdom; he's talked to a couple people kind of indirectly about his shit back home, especially the more he's been missing Sadie. And regretting things.
"...No one's perfect, and I'm kind of a huge dickhead. I'm not gonna judge you for somethin' like that."
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"I would have hurt you, and I probably would have liked it. I probably wouldn't have wanted to stop, I would have kept you bound to me until someone tore us apart. I'm a monster." It's all speculation, the worst of her fears coming bubbling to the surface. "I don't want to hurt you." He's her friend, as strange as it is to consider even having a human friend, but he's somehow managed that.
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Lars looks away, rubbing the back of his neck. It's not that he doubts her, exactly—but he knows he doesn't fully comprehend what she's saying. From the perspective of a different creature, from a different planet, who lived for thousands of years, how could he really understand? Any analogies that he's experienced are all terribly weak analogues, being a simple creature, only alive for a mere 18 years.
But that doesn't mean that he can't relate at all—they're both social, intelligent life forms. They can communicate, if they try. Lars has just never been great about it, but... Lars is tired of losing friends. And Lapis is someone who, despite being from another planet, is someone he kind of relates to in the sense that there is something vile inside of them both. But lately, thanks to Steven—and Lapis, and reflection about his relationship with Sadie, Lars is starting to understand that even if that's present inside a person, that's not all there is.
"Look, I dunno..." he starts, resting his cheek on his knee as he stares over at Lapis, his posture sagging and sad. "Maybe I don't understand, but like—it sounds like she just brought out the worst in you. Everyone's got that stuff inside'a them, I think. But that stuff doesn't like...define you, know what I mean? You aren't a monster. That was just a really messed up relationship. It's not like you can even fuse with me—but in whatever way, if you hurt me, I'd get over it. I hurt people all the time; I almost never mean to. I get it."
Lars keeps his hand low, but extends his arm out, brushing the side of his hand along her arm. He strokes her wrist with his pinky and ring finger.
"I—" Articulating his feelings, especially positive ones, has always been so hard. Lars hopes that gems aren't juvenile enough to misunderstand his sentiment as he continues his train of thought. "—I like you, you know? So, it's okay. Go easy."
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It's not Jasper who was the bad one of their... relationship. It was her. And yet, for some unknown reason, Steven had defended her, and now Lars was too. She doesn't understand it.
"I- I wanted to fuse with you too. That's what makes it even worse. I wanted to feel what it would be like."
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"Jasper was someone you could unleash all that like—shitty energy on, though. She was an enemy, and you had all this pain and anger. I ain't sayin' that it's alright," he disclaims. Lars feels a little self conscious, because even though he is legitimately talking about Lapis, he's also projecting. "...I lash out a lot. I'm mean to people who don't deserve it, like—all the time. It's on purpose a lot of the time, too."
He pauses, and bites his lip, going from self conscious to embarrassed. He opts to rest his hand on Lapis's, idly caressing the metacarpal of her thumb with the pad of his own. "...I mean, you don't got a lot of experience with fusion, right? You'n me aren't enemies. You'd probably get somethin' else outta it. It'd prolly bring somethin' else outta you."
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"I don't, but I still know it shouldn't be like that. Nothing should feel like that." She's quiet after that, but only for a moment before she lifts her head to look at Lars. "Maybe it would be different with someone else. But it doesn't feel like it should be."
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He scoots a little closer to her, and he puts his arm around both of her shoulders. His other arm settles back over his knees again, and his tail brushes along his ankles, the end of it curling around Lapis's as well, the spade resting between her feet. Touching her doesn't feel—so tremendously awkward, since they spend a ton of time doing light contact like this at work.
"It'll prolly feel that way for a while, and that's alright. Doesn't mean it's necessarily true, though." He rubs her upper bicep a little, the one furthest from him as they sit side by side. "...I know it's hard. Feeling like you're all fuckin' rotten."
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It's a good few moments of silence before she's ready to say anything, mulling his words over in her head until she finally does say something. "Thanks." It's not much, but it's a start.
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He continues to kind of hold her in this sideways hug, and shrugs. "No problem." He doesn't feel confident it made Lapis feel any better, necessarily, but he at least hopes she understands that he doesn't hold it against her. And, that, you know, that he acknowledges her faults, but that he's not the greatest person, either.
He rolls his eyes innocently, tilting his head sideways so that he rests partially against her shoulder.
"Sooo, I get it if you still need space from like, dancin', but you comin' back to practice? Steven misses you."
...And so did Lars, of course, but he'd already purged enough icky emotional garbage. He was done revealing things.
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"I'll come back. I shouldn't have avoided it in the first place. It wasn't fair to any of you, and I especially shouldn't have made Steven worry." She lets out a sigh of air, a habit that she's picked up from all of the people here who actually need oxygen to live.
"I'm sorry. I'll be fine. We can keep dancing." The show must go on, or something like that, right?
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"Eh, don't push yourself or anything. If nothin' else, you can just hang out; I think it'd be okay if you took a lil break."
no subject